Wise Words by Peyton Sawyer

This conversation between Peyton and Derek in 608 is so relevant.

P: "I think we're all looking for a life that makes sense somehow, and I am very, very happy for you that you found that."

D: "And have you found that?"

P: "Yes. I have. I mean it sneaks up on you, right? But one day you look at your life, and it has purpose, and someone that makes you feel very special, and friends. And it's like all of a sudden, all the time and pain that it took to get there, it just doesn't matter anymore."

May 9th

So many options...

May 8th

nts: I never post pictures when I work those days, unless I actually do something after work.

Finally got to see it! I'm obsessed.

May 6th

Cousins communion today= first time wearing my new Maxi dress. LOVE.

May 5th

Cinco De Mayo, but we went to an Italian Restaurant :) 

&& then we went to play pool :) 

May 3rd

Catching Fire. Completed.

May 2nd

Read it all in a day- 'Tell Me A Story' <3

May 1st!

Totally rocked the sock-bun for the first time ever! :)

April 30

a nice clean closet with all my summer dresses accessible :)

I even made room for some of my favourite heels :)

April 29

Sick day = fanfiction in bed.

April 28

Pheebs' 21st Birthday- GOOD night.

Summer in Pictures

I decided I that I was going to document my 4 months of summer by posting a photo every day. Let's see how long I can keep this up for.

April 27-

Donna Mae's Diner for breakfast with first-timer, Hobo. YUM.

The End of an Era.

I'm sad to say that the time has come to officially say goodbye and goodnight to one of the things that means the most to me for a third of my life, One Tree Hill.

I'm not going to lie and say I have watched the series from the first episode. I actually fell in love in season 3, after giving it a second chance, and deciding my love for Chad meant I had to love it, even if it was just for him. Well who knew that 7 years ago my life would be taken on one hell of a rollercoaster ride with the 'Little Show That DID."

For the past 7 years I have laughed with this show, cried with this show, hated storylines on the show, and indulged in the show. I have been here to watch Nathan & Haley persevere and make it through all the hardships they have faced. I have cried with Haley at the loss of her mother and see her come out on the other side with much strength and love. I have cried with Brooke through all the heartbreak (both boys & the loss of motherhood), and then cried again when she married the love of her life AND had twin boys. I have watched Nathan chase his dreams and achieve them. I have seen Haley turn into this beautiful mother and wife who is courageous and supportive. I cried when Lucas & Peyton left, even if they weren't my favourite couple & I embraced the new cast like they had always been a part of the family- and have grown to love them more that I ever thought possible.

Everyone's journey with the show has been different. For some it provided hope, for others a temporary world to dive into and forget about their problems for that one hour that it aired a week. For others it was a sense of connection with one character that somehow gave you faith it was all going to be alright. Me? I guess it's been a mix of all three plus some. This show has been the constant in my life, and to see where I started, and where I am now, I feel like the life lessons OTH has taught us we live on within me as I carry on from here.

Sitting here watching the finale, I couldn't help but be transported back to all the places I was the first time I saw a certain episode, and the people I was with, and the feelings I had. Episode 3x16 was at such a pivotal point in my life, and I ended a friendship with my bestfriend at the time shortly after it. The season 3 finale was another pivotal moment, it's one of those moments where I realized who my go to person was, my bestfriend to this day. I called her after that episode sobbing because we didn't know if it was going to be picked up, but we had faith. Then thinking to getting the season 4 announcement and me being on my lunch so I ran to the library to sit there as the CW announced their new line-up and then proceeding to cry like an idiot. Through season 5-9 I have created other memories as well, but it all goes to show one thing, life is CONSTANTLY changing, YOU are constantly changing, and the world doesn't stop for anyone. Tonight I felt like that 14 year old girl I was when I first started the show, and I don't know how the hell I got to being where I am today.

Sitting here reflecting after the finale I can't help but realize why I have LOVED this show all along. Why? Because it gave me HOPE. That's what this show was/is for me. There were aspects of Brooke's life like her poor relationship with her mother (albeit not to that extent) and feeling so disconnected from her that hit close to home for me. But Brooke turned that around, and she has a beautiful relationship with her mother now, flaws and all. It gives me hope that as I grow older, my relationship with my mother will become what I've always wanted it to be, but we both have some growing to do. Haley showed me what it meant to be a friend, a loyal one at that. She's always there when her friends need her, but she's also taught me to be strong and independent and helped me realize that even if I have no one to help me, I can be strong enough for myself. Nathan taught me to follow my dreams, even when they seem unattainable. Life is a challenge, you don't give up though. If you really want something, you better fight like hell to make sure you get it. I don't want to live a life of regrets, and Nathan helped me to realize that. Even if I don't know what I do exactly want right now.

Hope. That's all it's ever been about. Even now as I'm sitting her sobbing, wondering where the hell my life is going to go from here I have hope that it will all work out. Just look at the characters that have been our bestfriends for the past years. They ALL turned out okay. For the most part they got what they wanted, was it always easy? Hell no. Did they fight? You better believe it. Even if I don't know where my life is headed (which is something that will never sit well with me) I have hope it will all work out the way it was meant to be. Why? Even if it was just a TV show, their lives turned out pretty alright.

I could never regret this show. For it has taken me places I have dreamed of seeing. It has given me the best friends I could ask for-- you know who you are. It has given me the worlds most WONDERFUL role model (yup you guessed it; JOY) and it for much of my life provided me with a great sense of happiness.

So Goodnight One Tree Hill, you will be missed, but never forgotten.

TTB Event

 I don't even know where to begin with this post, considering it's been a while since I've posted. But January 6th, little old me (okay maybe not that old considering i'm only 20), Rita & my mom flew out to California just so I could attend the Team True Beauty Event. Some may call it crazy considering we live at the most Southern point of Canada, but I call it dedication, and to be honest it was a place I needed to be.

It's no secret that many of us girls have our insecurities, some just hide it better than others. Unfortunately, I am not one of them, and I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It's great because my bestfriends see my vulnerable side, but it's also a bad thing when the world sees them too. My biggest insecurity? My skin (acne to be exact), and that all ties into how beautiful I feel I am.

This weekend was a weekend to celebrate a movement. One in which defining beauty comes from what lies within, and not what the mirror/scale says. I found peace this weekend for the first time in a long while, and someone that had a lot to do with that is none other than Shantel VanSanten.

Anywho on to the event which was nothing short of amazing/perfect/unforgettable or any other word you could think of. Here is a quick run through- picture style-  and you'll get to hear my Shantel experience at the end : )!

Ritz & I getting ready before the event :)
I am SO glad I got to share this experience with her, as she's one of the few that has been there through everything these past couple years.

India DeBeaufort & I
Seriously, she is the tiniest thing EVER, but also the sweetest person ever.
I asked her how she became involved with OTH and she told me she originally auditioned for Alex Dupre and they ended up writing her a role as Miranda :)

Amber Sweeney & I
Had the most amazing talk with her about God, and shed a few tears but that's okay.
Her touching words? God is the most gracious and understanding person she knows, so despite the times I neglect to reflect with him during my hectic schedule, He understands.

Shantel VanSanten & I- the first time.
NO words to describe how sweet and perfect she is. She said she loved my dress & I obviously proceeded to tell her I was looking for one similar to the Alice & Olivia one she wore at NYFW. Which she may or may not have responded with an "Oh No! Don't get it, I was SO itchy after I took it off!" <3

Sharon Lawrence & I
We talked about the Hangover themed episode and her table dancing which she said was her favourite episode to film because they all had a blast :)

Daphne Zuniga & I
seriously, she is SO thin and gorgeous, and honestly a sweetheart.

NO WORDS.
For all of you that know me I worship the ground Joy walks on. Seriously she can do no wrong in my eyes, and she is flawless. SO seeing her in person, part of the only reason I travelled from Canada to LA was to see her exceeded my expectations. This is all a blur, I have another picture with her but I prefer to keep that one private. I also have a video of this moment, before she closed her smile for the picture. Okay I'm done. 

Speech time! Of course the one I was looking forward to most was none other than Shantel's. I have always admired how she speaks about Beauty in her interviews, so to hear what she had to say in person was literally awe-worthy. Most, if not all of us shed some tears.

For those of you who haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend you watch it on youtube, there are a couple versions of it floating around. One line that stuck with me and which is now written on my whiteboard for my quote of the month is:

"We need to accept differences, and find beauty in those differences." 

As for her letter to beauty? Well reflecting on that is going to be for another blog entry of its own. It really stirred something in me, and probably all of us that have heard it, and I'll forever be grateful that she took the time to write it and share it with all of us in this month's newsletter.

The fact that she shared with us that she was nervous, despite being an actress  made her that much more real to me. One of the many things I love about her is that what you see is what you get with her, and she doesn't try to be anyone that she isn't.

Of course after the speeches performances were held, and another one of my dreams came true. What is that? Oh you know, just being in the presence of Joy singing. Seriously, she has the voice of an angel, and I don't know how it's possible but she sounds even better live. And Amber? Who knew the girl had a voice like THAT. <3

Lastly, the conversation Ritz & I had with Shantel that has literally changed my personal perspective on the life I am living right now...

Going to this event, I had one question in mind that I REALLY wanted to have answered, by Shantel in particular that I shared with my bestfriends and that was "Did you ever feel like you needed a guy to validate you?" Why, you might ask? Because as of 2 weeks ago, that was where I felt I stood with myself. I felt as if I wasn't good enough as person and the only way I thought I would feel good enough would be when a guy would tell me otherwise. This sadly all stemmed from the pressure I felt regarding the fact I am 20, and haven't had a serious boyfriend yet. I felt like a loser.

SOOOOO I asked her. And the conversation I shared with her that night is something that I will forever hold in my heart and my mind. I won't go into specifics because I'm sure you don't want to hear it all, and some things I would like to keep between the three of us but this was the gist of it;

Shantel shared that although she doesn't feel that way now, that there was a period of time that she did, and she assured me that it does get better. She really put it into perspective for me when she asked me how I would feel if I were in the position of validating a boy because that's what he felt he needed. I wouldn't like it. In fact, I would HATE it. Why put that kind of pressure on ANYONE? You have to be happy with yourself, and you have to be confident in yourself and that's all that matters.

She said that from 20-23 those are some of the toughest years of your life because you feel all this pressure to figure out what you want from your life and who you are. All while trying not to be a freak-- which she assured me we all are ;) -- and that it's OKAY not to know. We will figure it out as we get older and grow.

She told us that relationships are the most important thing to have in your life, and those stem from your family and friends. She said we should all have those friends that we can call and say "Man I had a shitty day," and they'll respond "I had a shitty day too. Let's vent" <3 and I am forever grateful that I have a bestfriend and aunt that I can do that with, and I promise to never take those relationships for granted.

Romantic relationships? Well her advice was to be who YOU are and not try to be like the other person. Differences are okay, you don't want to change who you are to be someone you aren't. I learned she 'f@*^ing hates rock music' and loves reading before bed. She said that by being in different relationships you learn what you like, and what you don't like, and what you want to take with you. She also assured me I am not a loser because I haven't had a serious boyfriend and am 20- that I'm still young.

One last thing that really sit with me above all is how REAL she is. I cannot get over the amount of times she said she's just like all of us, and that she isn't above anyone just because of her title. She doesn't spend crazy amounts of money on designer clothes (her dress from that night was given to her), and she owns one Chanel purse. She loves fashion, and says it IS attainable, her favourite store is J. Crew (which totally reminds me of Joy, ngl), and she tries to do her own hair and make up for events because she doesn't want to look at the pictures and be like "Who is that?". (Tym did her make-up for the event that night as well :) )

I hope that she does go through with starting a blog or website this year like she mentioned she wanted to do after Ritz and I told her we really thought she should start one. I don't think she realizes how many lives she can touch with her words, and how many lives she can change.

She changed mine. My self-love, confidence and worth has gone through the roof since having this conversation with her. I am beautiful. I am capable. I am loved. I don't need a man to define me. I just have to be true to who I am. And being single? It's totally okay, I get to go and come as I please and when the day comes that someone shows some interest in me, I won't turn them away, and most importantly? They won't validate me. Why? Because I validate myself.

SO, Shantel, I wanted to thank you. You don't know what your words did for me that night. I cry thinking about it, and I am SO happy that I can share this story with others and help those that need it. Please don't ever change, you deserve all the love you get from your family, friends and fans. We love you!

post talk picture <3